Are You....

Some say, that it's better just to throw up to get that sick feeling outa your stomache, or cry to get all the frusturation out, or burst out w/ laughter just to get the giggles out...

Well, I cried today...but I don't really know y. For SOME reason, I just couldn't focus at ALL, NOTHING. I felt, and still do, feel like shit..frusturated, etc... I kept snapping and screaming at people..then I tried calming down, and started crying...

waterfalls...

and that's when my mother said to just let all the frustuaration out...but I knew if that's how it would come out..then I would never stop crying-and never get anything done.

I literally couldn't help it, it was soo involuntary, I still feel like I'm crying, on the inside..b/c I had to try very hard to make myself stop so I could g2 rehearsal somewhat contained.

Why do I feel like this? When I should have felt more upset, I brushed it off and cared of nothing-but now that I'm on vacation and can catch everything up and hv chances...I don't know what the hell is wrong w/ me...

Maybe it's the constant fucking NOISE!!!! Our kitchen is at the high point of construction work, and if no one is fucking banging things all over the place the phone is ringing off the hook and there isn't a second when my dad isn't showing someone around the new kichen...

Maybe it was the feeling I felt after all those ppl wrote their mean msgs and resulted in me wasting my time replying to them...

Maybe it's my teacher's insanity about all the CRAPLOAD of hmk. we've been given...

Maybe it's the fact that Miss Boughton (my dance teacher) hasn't corrected my very much since I missed so many classes for the show...

Maybe it's the fact that I'm always off key in chorus, Aladdin', and in my voice lessons...

Maybe it's the fact that I can't see a real character in "jade..."

Maybe I miss my NYSSSA ppl., and am afraid and sad of missing all that fun again this summer, yet know that I can't miss another summer of dancing...

Maybe it's the fact that for the 1st time, I feel like I actually have friends but can't make it to any gatherings...

Maybe it's the fact that I can't help thinking about whether or not anything comes after death...

Maybe it's the lack of chocolate...and guilt for cheating on it a couple of days ago...

Maybe it's...lack of sleep...being nagged at...the stress of NYSSMA...regents'...the medication...which is supposed to be preveting this kind of feeling...COLLEGE CHOICES...whether or not I'll be brave enough to go for my dreams...and WORK FOR IT...

Love, or lack thereof...wanting it so badly, klnowing it is the best healer...the only thing that can keep me alive..yet the one I love, depriving me of it...and having to deny others my love for my own deprivation...

No...

I think...

It's mostly me not being able to control...

Control the fact that sometimes I feel the need to take my own life...end it now and wonder no longer...
-B/c this feeling that I wish I could control, I simply can't...that feeling of crying..not happy tears..but ones of angst, frusturation, fear...












Someday soon, I'm gonna ride my bike 12 miles to his house, and tell him everything.