Well, I finished my huge-ass NYS-CIAA project for gov't...friggin' 3 days b4 it's due!!! Wow, I havn't been this on top of things for school since like, 7th grade! and "Aow! I feeel go-od! De-neh-neh-neh-neh-neh-neh-neh, I knew that I wo-uld!" Haha, anyways...

SO my first college audition is in twelve days!!! AHH! Then next one is the day after that, and it requires a dance (un-like participating in a dance class which most schools simply ask for) aaaand I'm no where close to being done with it...:-/... Yeah notice I said on top of things with school n' nuthin' else...

URGH, I HATE being wrong....especially after I make a big deal out of being right...I got bored (though I don't know how b/c I've got sooo much shit left to do...probably just b/c I finished my Senior Project and am pretty much done applying for colleges) and so I took the "7 Deadly Sins" Quiz on tickle.com. Well, I was expecting for glutany to be teh sin affecting me the most b/c I kept answering the "yes! I eat a ton!" and while taking that I was starting to worry about me possibly being bilemic. Not the throwing-up type AT ALL...b/c I personnaly think that's gross..but..you know, eating a ton when stressed out then not eating for a long time in order to lose the weight-gained. Then, don't worry, I realized I'm not b/c I always say I won't eat for a while in order to lose all that I ate, but I never come through, I'm always too hungry for breakfast....and dinner...and know I can't survive without my protein for lunch. But, was still thinkin' I'd get that for my sin...

I didn't...

I got, yes, ass-hole graduated Marcellian whom I shall not name who has made me feel like shit all through mindsay replies for the past year, I got pride. I then realized that I answered "strongly agree" for every "Do you feel you have to be the best?" question there is. The strange part was, I never understood why "pride" was a deadly sin!! I mean, aren't we supposed to want the best for our lives, to live it to the fullest and not waste it?? So, I decided to go to Dictionary.com and look up every meaning for the word pride. I felt ashamed. The definition being something like "doing something just to make yourself look better than others." I then realized, that when I put down every thing I have ever done on my resume I felt it. And when there would be a silence in a conversation I'd ask someone who I knew was smart "SO, what did you get on you ACT??" Knowing that a 30 was hard to beat. And, most recently realizing what a horrible friend I've been to Sarah. I mean, we were best friends all throughout middle school. Then, I started getting the "she's in the shower" excuse everytime I called-her sister telling me that she wasn't really. I got mad at her, and even moreso when i called her a horrible friend and she didn't really seem to care. Though, Junior and Senior year, we were in more classes together, I matured a bit, and we were okay friends again. I mean we were never enimies, always friends, but I think, in my subconscious, I wanted her to be my enemy b/c of how I would ignore her...I wanted anger. I always made fun of the fact that she constantly studied, at least, 4 hours a day, and practiced her instuments even moreso. I thought those were excuses too. Today I found out that she won a huge scholarship for All-County for her dedication and was genuinely happy for her-as in I wasn't secretly trying to think of reasons as to why she didn't deserve it b/c in my mind, I knew she did. I used to think I was so far ahead of everybody as well as her. That I sort of thought, "oh I don't need to practice, I rock." While I still can't get out of my head "oh who else takes as many voice and acting lessons and switched studios to better myself as I do and did?" I know I have to. I bet my parents work harder to pay for those lessons than I do at my craft of performing. Yet, these bad habits of pride and attitude towards the best parents in the whole wide world aren't breaking...yet I WANT to! Sarah was so far ahead of me in her maturity and what's the word...dedication to what she loved I simply couldn't comprehend it. I was reaching for my goals for all the wrong reasons. I wanted people to tell me how right I was....and in vain how they wished they had worked as hard as me.

To the jerks who wrote me those replies....I still think you're jerks. Even though you were right about my ego, I wish you could have come up to me in the hallway. Talked to me as a real human being with feelings as well. I wished you could have confronted me with your thoughts so I could take them in-b/c your method of moque de moi (making fun of me), obviously didn't work. I would talk (and in many cases cry) to people about all the people who hated me and how I couldn't understand it. They would tell me how it was jealousy of all that I've accomplished...and to ignore it. Whether you were jealous or truly knew how stupid I was being, I would appreciate, for the first time, a reply from you. I now realize how I've been, and now want to accomplish all of these things for myself and myself only. I want to tell myself in an HONEST way, so honest that even I know it's honest, that I worked my ass off, and feel complete simply knowing I did my best whether or not other people think I did. I just want a reply from you of comprehension, and maybe at the same time, gain a friend? Or perhaps that's asking too much? An aquaintance? a start-over? B/c if you are who I think you are from MHS, you should know that I always admired you, and hated the fact that I did b/c of those things you said to me-it hurt.