Are You....

Envy, is an evil, jealousy is an evil, depression is an evil, laziness is an evil, doubt, is an evil, remorse, is an evil, evil, is an evil....

I've come to realize that all of my senses this year, are built upon evils. These evils.

I had the best summer of my life, finally seeing what people can be like; my own kind, music freaks, emotional ones, people who understand poetry...

It was an ultimate low to suddenly have to go back to MARCELLUS, with not many who understand me, and my education no longer filled with the things I loved. I was about 2 monthes later diagnosed w/ depression. I'm telling this all out in the open because I want people to understand..everything..

I was always joking about it before but have been feeling worse, more thoughts of suicide and homicide than ever..mind you, I'm not brave enough to commit, but just the thoughts...

I was inspired by a music video I saw today by Good Charlotte w/ "Holding On" and it just touched a place in me that was too long without understanding..and I feel like, if they can write music like that, if they can portray it...

I've also been realizing I'm not the only one out there. People tell me "uh i just can't see you being depressed" and "omg, what could possibly make YoU depressed?" obviously no one taking me seriously..

I may be cheerful yes, but that was always b/c I never wanted to put anyone in my state. So if you've read this far, please keep reading, my goal is to reach at least a couple people in understanding.

ENVY=Ever since I did my first show, I thought, if anyone here can be a lead in CNY, it'll be me..obviously that's far from the case. I met a grl named Danielle in my first show "Oliver!" and we were pretty good friends; then as I'm trying to keep up with her, she's getting paid to do shows and parts older than her, doing numerous amts of things and still having enough energy to smile and be a perfect person. Another grl, named Kellyn, I was a dancer with in Joseph..she is the most known person in CNY, with her work in NYC, music videos, local commercials, student films, modeling and still a prima ballerina, black belt, national honor society member, and vice president of her class. I kept thinking, how come THEY can keep up with their work, have TONS of friends, have amazing careers at their ages and still be the way they are?? My mind fussing over and OVER again trying to contemplate how I can keep up, and always stuggeling, always failing..
-then I see others wishing they had anything i had and then feel ashamed..

JEALOUSY=This kinda of ties in with the above but a little is addded to it..in SCHOOL; how is it that a freshman can swipe up parts, own a stage and never sweat? How is it I've been dumped 3 times after 3 monthes, led on, and then kicked back down again? How is it I sit with people, talk to them, and am always the loner who's never invited to their parties?? Being left out isn't fun, NOT AT ALL, and if you're going to, you damn well make sure you don't try to be my friend afterwards, I know what a "secret friend" is, I'm not stupid.

DEPRESSION=What I'm going through now, and Zoloft is a bunch of bull..It's not an imbalance of chemicals guys, it's the result of a constant emotional beating from the outside world..

LAZINESS=Causing my state worse and worse, I havn't handed in a single English assignment in all marking period; they just seem soo easy that there's no point. And dont' tell me that it's my "own damn fault" I KNOW that, I don't need to hear it form YOU

DOUBT= ALL OF THIS SHIT from the envy to the work, puts doubt in my mind, am I brave enough to step out and pull an all-nighterlike I used to? Putting all my trust that while my teachers may not have noticed the work in the past, tat it'll all be for a good outcome in the future??

REMORSE=Looking at the deaths in my life, all grandparents, my aunt, neighbor..I wonder how I survive..Death itself, scaring the shit that one day I just won't exist, or in heaven is it even there? If it is,I wish I'm one of his miracles...if miracles really exist..EX's, suspicion-how could they have ever felt that way, was it just an act? Feeling ALONE in the world, w/ no one, no one...

EVIL=Tears, thoughts, darkness, isolation...

"still here"...