Today's Agenda So Far:

1. Wake up after say 9 hours of sleep, a lie in bed for about another hour

2. Read the intro and first chapter to "The Lost Soul Companion" (one of the many books I got in the library yesterday, and in doing so missing my dance class)

3. Eat two bowls of Raisin Brain

4. Watch the last 3/4 of Kiss Me Kate in vain--the point of watching it (as I explained to my mother) was to see the part where this woman sings a song I may sing for college auditions-instead of finishing my CCM application--even though I was about 85% sure that part had already passed, and had seen it b4 anyways

5. Put in a load of laundry

6. Read Chapter 2

7. Hung up clothes from the previous load, and put in a second

8. Read Chapter 3

9. Went to Lucille's for my acting lesson--late

10. Had an emotional breakdown on the way home

Oh yeah about that... I dunno what it was...

No, it wasn't b/c of Lucille, however had it been a year earlier I would have found something to blame on her, or my parents, or anyone but myself.

Though, I'm not saying it was anyone's fault that happened...

Besides, I almost, welcomed the tears...

In a car, except at a red light, your not risking someone coming into your room and asking you what's the matter...

You can cry as loudly and as uncontrollably as you want when no one else is in the car as long as you have a sleeve to wipe your eyes off on so you can see teh road.

There's no one to think you crazy for tasting your tears and wanting the coughing to never cease.

There's no one to worry about whether you have the right to cry around...

Though, I could have used a shoulder...and a pair of ears...

Whom to cry this to when I got home?

Shayne, yes, but, he's never online, and I needed to talk to him alone, and really let it all out...

Or my mother, she'd listen...but no, I'd get a solution afterwards..I wanted no solutions at the moment...

My old therapist? NO, she never seemed to understand, as she carried no traits of a lost soul herself...

oh! the lost soul website! Naw...I assume I'd be too lazy to log on; besides, my crying could be heard through words anyways now could it.

Or could it?

These words, never ending for that's how this depression seems, subsiding yes, but always coming back...making the tendancy to run the car off the raod just as vivid as before...

That tendancy will never overcome me...for one thing, death scares the shit out of me for not knowing what comes after...and, what I realized on the way home among many other things...the LOVE of LIFE.

I don't care if I'm crying or screaming at the moment of that life...the point is, I'm physically alive. I don't ever want to really mean "I can't wait," because when the time comes for me to "blow out the candle" I'll wish I did. It's like, the intensity in waiting for what a certain event turns out to be more exciting. It's like in the news, haave you ever noticed that as soon as a subject is even remotely over, they eimmediately move onto something new (i.e. the presidential election)? Perhaps to dwelling spoils.

That monologue, we worked on, is when I first want to cry. I remembered the dream I had of dying in 6th grade and then wanting to talk to my mother about it, quoting the monologue "let's just look at one another!"

The Beauty of the realization, that the simple things are what make life great ("clocks ticking...and food and coffee...and sleeping and waking up!"

Then on the way home, thoughts of COLLEGE, and the fight with my parents over it, the disappointment Lucille seemed to have with for fogetting to get another monologue typed up, one simple task I had to forget, or yet, again procastinate and in the end not having done.

Procastination....the present.........

SHall I go on? Finish this? Or not be able to concentrate on my application as I attempt to finish it leaving you in wonder...

Nay for the latter.

I'm thirsty, dehydrated...yet my soul is moist, in tears, emotion, longing, fear.

Oh fear...perhaps, the procastination is truly in fear of sending in my application to in the end find I don't make it. Or to find I in fact do have an audition coming up, making me fearful of not making that. Where will it end?